How to nurture yourself while nurturing your child

"Usually our ideas of self-care are something you do, child-free, to care for yourself. But what if this form of self-care isn’t possible? Self care can be as simple as taking deep breaths while you are sitting with a screaming child. Having a cup of tea while you read your child a book... I really like this idea of self-care because it doesn’t make having kids and self-care mutually exclusive. I do go out to dance classes and yoga on my own, but when I can’t or don’t, I crank the music loud at home and do my own dance class." – Deborah Purcell

The #1 Resolution of parents everywhere? Be more patient. But having to summon up your patience is a signal that your cup is already dangerously empty. Will-power only takes us so far. The real job is keeping your cup full so you can handle the inevitable little disasters of daily life, when your child falls off the swing or poops on the floor or bashes his brother.

Self-care is essential not only to remain patient, but also to experience the joy and delight that is present -- not always noticed -- in every day with our children, even the tough ones (days and kids!). Children loveour joyful presence. They respond by becoming happier and more cooperative. No matter what our child does, it's our response that determines the weather in our home.

If you're finding yourself frequently resentful, depleted or exhausted, if your mind chatter often includes negative thoughts about your child, or if you're yelling at your child on a regular basis, you may be suffering from what I call SAP Disorder -- Sacrificing yourself on the Altar of Parenthood.

That's when we forget to give ourselves the attention we need. It isn't good for us to feel deprived. It kills our natural joy. And it isn't good for our kids, who end up with a resentful, negative, impatient parent. (Guess whether that helps them behave better.)

Does that mean you should tell your child she can forget about getting her needs met, that it's about time your needs came first? No, of course not. Parenting is about nurturing your child, which means noticing what she needs and trying to make sure she gets it.

But we can only be "good" parents to the degree that we parent ourselves. So monitoring our own moods, and returning ourselves to a state of feeling good -- or at least calm -- is one of the most important responsibilities of parenting.

That can seem impossible, when at any given moment there are so many demands on your time. The solution is to tend to ourselves as well as we can each moment of the day, just as we do our child. To honor both our needs and theirs. How?

1. Make it a habit to tune into yourself as often as possible throughout your day. Just take a deep breath and let it flood your body with well-being. Breathe in calm, breathe out stress. Imagine you're breathing into your heart. Noticing your breath helps you be more present with yourself, an essential form of "attention" that we all need.

2. Every time you notice you're getting resentful or irritable, stop. Ask yourself "What do I need right now to stay in balance?" Then, give it to yourself -- whether your child is there or not. (Five minutes to sit on the back steps and listen to the birds? A glass of water? Five minutes of dancing?) If you can't do it right now, make a date with yourself for later. (A bath after the kids go to bed. Trading shoulder massages with your partner. More sleep tonight.)

3. Notice the challenging times of day and find ways to nurture yourself through them. It's your life, and you're in charge, whether it feels that way or not. Letting yourself feel victimized doesn't help your kids. For example, does bedtime drive you crazy? Make a plan to make it better, whether that's sharing more responsibility with your spouse, starting earlier, posting a schedule, getting more sleep yourself, or enjoying a cup of tea while you read to your child.

4. Consciously parent yourself. Did you know that it's your job to be your own parent? If you're old enough to have a child yourself, your parents are off the hook. It's your responsibility now. Talk to yourself like someone you love. Nurture yourself through the hard times. Acknowledge all your efforts in the right direction. No, you're not perfect. You don't need to be. You deserve all the tenderness you would shower on a newborn baby. Giving that love to ourselves transforms our parenting -- and our lives.

Child Development Stages

Raising children presents dozens of challenges every day, whether it’s getting them to eat healthfully, do their homework, or stay safe. But a good parent must also focus on a child's emotional health as well. And while dealing with emotions may seem more taxing than the day-to-day challenges of parenting, raising children who are emotionally healthy may be easier than you think. All you have to do is love your child and be there for your child.

“What every child needs is a loving, caring adult who is passionately, wildly committed to that child,” says Geoff Nagle, PhD, MPH, associate professor of psychiatry and neurology and director of the Institute of Infant and Early Childhood Mental Health at Tulane University in New Orleans.

Perform better in school

Build enduring, mutually respectful relationships

Have coping skills that can help them through hard times

Practice healthy behaviors later in life

Raising Children: The Caregiver as a Role Model

Children learn tools for emotional health by watching how you, the caregiver, relate to them and to other people, and by observing how you cope with the challenges in your life — which include parenting.

Nagle says that this truth may mean changing your home environment, especially if your child is likely to witness or be the victim of violence.

Raising Children: Planting the Seeds of Emotional Health

If parenting were easy, most of us would be perfect, but no parent is perfect, says Nagle. “Even low-risk parents have high-risk moments, but what counts is the overall relationship.”

Nagle offers the following tips to help you raise children who are emotionally healthy:

- Know what behaviors are expected at a given age. One of the most common problems parents face (especially new parents) is that they do not know the appropriate developmental milestones for their child’s age and what behaviors are reasonable to expect. Becoming informed about developmental stages will help you respond better to your child's needs. Also, knowing the appropriate behaviors for your child's age can help you better identify real problems. The signs of emotional health vary with age, and what is appropriate at one age may be a red flag at another age, says Nagle. If you have concerns about any of your child's behaviors, talk to your child's doctor.

- Don't turn your back on your own problems. If you are struggling with emotional issues yourself, or battling substance abuse or addiction, you need to get treatment. If you don't deal with your problem, it will turn into your child's problem, too. A study of 984 teens who had been adopted as babies showed that those whose parents suffered from depression were more likely to be depressed themselves. No matter how swamped you are with balancing your overall life and raising children, seek help for these issues, says Nagle.

- Spend quality time with your child. It can be hard to come home at the end of a long day, take off your work hat, and put on your parent hat, but this is exactly what your children need you to do. “Find a way to be present for them, to find out what happened in their day, what worked, and what was hard for them,” says Nagle

-  Choose the right child care. For many working parents, crucial decisions in the course of raising children revolve around who will care for their children during working hours. Your children’s health — emotional and physical — will be maximized with a person or institution where there are only a small number of children for each caregiver, the caregiver is not depressed or overwhelmed with her own concerns, and the caregiver has been educated about child development.

The question of how to provide a good foundation for the long-term emotional health of your children has a seemingly simple answer: you. Putting that answer into practice is challenging, but infinitely rewarding.

Nurturing of your child (10 Tips)

Some kids seem to be born with more self-esteem than others, but there's a lot you can do to promote your child's emotional well-being — a stronger sense of self can make your child more emotionally resilient when problems come his way.

Providing for your child's physical needs (food, shelter, clothing) is a fairly straightforward matter. Trying to provide for your child's emotional needs can be trickier. Although there are many parenting styles, most experts agree on some general guidelines for nurturing a child's emotional health and laying the ground work for an emotionally healthy adulthood.

1. Be aware of stages in child development so you don't expect too much or too little from your child.

2. Encourage your child to express his or her feelings; respect those feelings. Let your child know that everyone experiences pain, fear, anger, and anxiety. Try to learn the source of these feelings. Help your child express anger positively, without resorting to violence.

3. Promote mutual respect and trust. Keep your voice level down — even when you don't agree. Keep communication channels open.

4. Listen to your child. Use words and examples your child can understand. Encourage questions. Provide comfort and assurance. Be honest. Focus on the positives. Express your willingness to talk about any subject.
about any subject.

5. Look at your own problem-solving and coping skills. Are you setting a good example? Seek help if you are overwhelmed by your child's feelings or behaviors, or if you are unable to control your own frustration or anger.

6. Encourage your child's talents and accept limitations. Set goals based on the child's abilities and interests — not someone else's expectations. Celebrate accomplishments. Don't compare your child's abilities to those of other children; appreciate the uniqueness of your child. Spend time regularly with your child.

7. Foster your child's independence and self-worth. Help your child deal with life's ups and downs. Show confidence in your child's ability to handle problems and tackle new experiences.

8. Discipline constructively, fairly, and consistently. Use discipline as a form of teaching, not physical punishment. All children and families are different; learn what is effective for your child. Show approval for positive behaviors. Help your child learn from his or her mistakes.

9. Love unconditionally. Teach the value of apologies, cooperation, patience, forgiveness, and consideration for others.

10. Do not expect to be perfect; parenting is a difficult job.

Respected Parents

محترم والدین..
ٹارزن آدھا ننگا رھتا ھے،
سنڈریلا آدھی رات کو گھر آتی ہے،
پنوکیو ہر وقت جھوٹ بولتا ہے،
الہ دین چوروں کا بادشاہ ہے،
بیٹ مین 200 میل پر گھنٹہ ڈرائیو کرتا ہے،
رومیو اور جولیٹ محبت میں خود کشی کر لیتے ہیں،
ہیری پوٹر جادو کا استعمال کرتا ہے،
مکی اور منی محض دوستی سے بہت آگے ہیں،
سلیپنگ بیوٹی افسانوی کہانی جس میں شہزادی جادو کے اثر سے سوئی رہتی ہے ایک شہزادے کی kiss ہی اسے جگا سکتی ہے. سست ہوتی ہے،
ڈمبو شراب پیتا ہے، اور تصورات میں کھو جاتا ہے،
سکوبی ڈو ڈراؤنی خوابیں دیتا ہے،
اور سنو وائٹ 7 اشخاص کے ساتھ رہتی ہے،
تو ہمیں حیران نہیں ہونا چاہئے کہ بچے بدتمیزی کرتے ہیں، وہ یہ سب کہانیوں اور کارٹونز سے حاصل کرتے ہیں جو ہم انہیں مہیا کرتے ہیں،
اس کی بجائے ہمیں انہیں اس طرح کی کہانیاں پڑھانی چاھئیں،
ابو بکر صدیق رضی اللہ عنہ کی اپنے آقا صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم کے لئے نہ ختم ہونے والی خدمت اور وفاداری،
عمر فاروق رضی اللہ عنہ کی بردباری اور عدل وانصاف سے پیار،
عثمان غنی رضی اللہ عنہ کا شرم و حیا کا معیار،
علی رضی اللہ عنہ کی ہمت اور حوصلہ دکھائیں،
خالد بن ولید رضی اللہ عنہ کی برائی سے لڑنے کی خواہش،
فاطمہ رضی اللہ عنہا کا اپنے والد کے لئے پیار اور ادب،
صلاح الدین ایوبی رحمتہ اللہ علیہ کی وعدہ کی ہوئی جگہ کے لئے فتح،
اور سب سے زیادہ ہمیں اللہ، قرآن کریم اور سنت سے پیار، محبت سے پڑھانا چاہئے، سب سے اہم پہلو یہی ہے،
اور پھر دیکھیں تبدیلی کیسے شروع ہوتی ہے..!!